it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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