Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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