I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
