so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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