Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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