And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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