i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
