i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
