have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I intend to get homeless drunk
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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