I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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