i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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