I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
