this beer tastes like vomit already
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
