I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm bleeding and have questions
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
