he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
