Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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