Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
