I think my fart just growled at me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
