Cold hands, warm shart.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
