I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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