I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
