I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
