when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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