It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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