the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
