also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
