did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
this is an emotional support booty call
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
