Apparently you make a good broom.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
