She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
