She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
