I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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