Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ambien. No doubt about it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
