I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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