Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
