That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
