I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
try to milk me bitch
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize