You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize