Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
