in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
