OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
