I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
