Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize