I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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