genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
