When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
