When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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