Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
