Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
