The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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