Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
