oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
