Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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