chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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