she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
