so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
