sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize