Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
