Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
