I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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