Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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