my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
