Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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