I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize